Emotional

  

I’d like to stress the fact that I am human. That at the end of the day I bleed the same blood that you do. We all feel things differently. I’m a pretty emotional person. But that’s only because theres so much that I can take. I get stared at frequently because of my size and sometimes I’ll get rude comments and after maybe 2 weeks of people saying stuff to me, I might finally cry over the dumbest,stupid little thing someone might say. After, I might get the comment “You cry to much” or ” You’re to emotional”. What can I say to these people? Take a walk in my shoes for three seconds before you sit there and say all these things. Somedays I don’t want to leave the house. I love shopping but I hate the mall because you walk by fifty people and chances are I’m gonna get one person that makes a comment like ” Wow look at her, she’s big”. I ignore it for the most part because I can’t let those people get to me, they don’t know me but it’s difficult to deal with alone. Nobody can see what I see, the looks,stares and comments.I control the outcome in my mind and in my heart. I’m emotional that’s part of my journey. We are human, We Laugh until our bodies hurt and somedays we cry so hard that our heart feel like it’s falling to our stomach. We feel with every part of our body and mind. That’s OK! BE YOURSELF. CRY AND LAUGH AND FEEL! Be YOU! 

A different meaning to a higher power

Before I begin I wanted to say Yes, I believe in God and I am Catholic. I will not judge you if you are Atheist,Jewish or Buddhist or whatever you may be because I believe if you’re kind to me than I am kind to you,that’s all that matters. We can all coexist. I’m never going to try to convince you to do something you don’t believe.
For myself I believe everything happens for a reason. That something happens because God intended for it to happen. For example, Me being big, while some of you may say “God doesn’t like gluttony and he doesn’t lift that fork in that hole in your face Jackie, that’s all you”. Yes I agree, but sometimes I think to myself ” What would have become of me if I was skinny my whole life, would I be the person I am today?”. I went to a school with skinny pretty girls who to this day act like selfish spoiled drunken girls that judge to no end. Would I have become one of them or would I still have been a weird girl that was open to all friendships and probably trusted more than she should’ve? I know someday I’ll lose the weight I need to and I’ll be in a stable state of mind but I feel like being as big as I am was God kind of being like ” Hey, I know this sucks but you need thick skin and I want you to become a better person”. Even if I am lifting that fork, eventually I’ll put it down and be “normal”. I always hear people when they have a problem to ” Give it to a higher power” which is fine and I agree with. I want to also stress that a higher power isn’t just about God or whatever you believe in. I feel like a higher power could also be that better version of you. It makes no sense, I know. But if you have a problem give it up, and let it go for the better of yourself. For that person that you want to become. For you. Sometimes you need to be your own higher power. For those of you that are religious I’m not saying to give up for that moment any sense of your God. I’m just saying you need to look at your motivations and maybe that will empower you and help you become “The New You”.

Just a Monday Thought!

F E A R

It’s probably one of the biggest things that stops people from doing a lot of things. Before I tell you what my biggest fear is I must say that I don’t care what all people think of me. I might get upset just as anyone may get if someone makes a comment or something ,but the only people that I truly care what they think about me are the few true friends I have, my boyfriend and my family. My biggest fear is that people see me the way I see myself. I have insecurities and just like any typical girl would I constantly say them to myself which really at the end of the day doesn’t help me. But it’s like I have a constant battle in my head. Recently I was told that ” if I would lose weight than I finally can look more like a woman and less like a man”. That type of thing said crushes me because here I am trying to be normal and I’m saying to myself that”  apparently I’m a man and I’m ugly and fat and am I gaining weight?” and all these things run through my head. But another side of me is like ” This is crazy,you are not a man and people are just being mean”. But I think when people say stuff that you already say to yourself than it’s almost like it wasn’t all in your head and it’s true. I really need to start ignoring people but it’s hard when it’s people you care about. I need to start caring for myself emotionally and physically. Not for them though,for me.