Waiting…

Look me in the eyes for once.
Straight into my soul and tell me.
When is it going to happen?
I’ve been waiting here for days now.
Sitting here,just wondering I suppose.
Crying.
Leaving trails of tissues everywhere.
Making a mess around me, but it doesn’t matter.
That same mess is in my mind.
With memories of a broken child and a hollow heart.
I’m just wondering if memory loss could come fast enough.
At least until I stop waiting for life to happen.

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H A B I T

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When I was in high school I never ate breakfast. I hated it because when I DID try to eat breakfast I felt like I was gonna toss my cookies. Once I was a senior I decided to start eating breakfast because after the numerous diet places I’d been to they would stress that “Breakfast was the most important meal of the day” because well it really is. So after a month of dreading breakfast I’d make myself eat it and that was that. I’d formed a habit to help me in the long run. I think a big success in my losing weight when I had was forming a habit. Waking up early at 7AM,eating breakfast,going to the gym and eating lunch at Noon and dinner before 6:30 everyday. It gave me structure and formed a healthy habit. Now, I’m not saying everyone should do exactly that, but that even forming small habits like eating breakfast or going to the gym is something that can help you immensely. The best part is that it gets easier every day that you do it and you might see results or feel better after a little while. Form a habit that makes you feel better emotionally or physically. Even waking up everyday and looking in the mirror and telling yourself something positive about yourself can help you believe in yourself more. Believe me you’ll be happier in the long run.

Hello My Name is Jackie and…

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I’m an emotional eater.

Phew. Well I said it, I guess this blog is over.

Just Kidding. Calm Down! I’ve realized over the past few years I eat when I want to stop thinking about certain things and because unfortunately I enjoy food. I’d lost weight 4 years ago. 120 pounds to be exact and I slowly gained it all back.It felt so great to be healthy and exercise and it was like for once my life was going in the right direction. I was in control,happy and I felt as light as a feather. I remember before I started to diet I sat there and seriously convinced myself that if I didn’t lose weight I’d never get married, that there was no way someone would look at me and say that I was beautiful. I thought I never get a job, live a good life and have children.I think that was a lot of my motivation. Well I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now and I know someday that I’ll get married (hopefully to him!) so it’s time for a new motivation.That motivation I think is just Me. I need to do this for my health and my ability to live. I love to run but I don’t do it for some insane reason and I need to get healthy before it gets harder for me to lose weight as I get older. Unfortunately I feel like right before I get really motivated I also get really depressed, like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. But I have to remember I have a big support system and they’re always gonna love me big or small. So my goal is to face my demons, lose some pounds, Keep it off ( which is probably the hardest part) and be happy. That’s not a lot to ask for right?

Emotional

  cry

I’d like to stress the fact that I am human. That at the end of the day I bleed the same blood that you do. We all feel things differently. I’m a pretty emotional person. But that’s only because theres so much that I can take. I get stared at frequently because of my size and sometimes I’ll get rude comments and after maybe 2 weeks of people saying stuff to me, I might finally cry over the dumbest,stupid little thing someone might say. After, I might get the comment “You cry to much” or ” You’re to emotional”. What can I say to these people? Take a walk in my shoes for three seconds before you sit there and say all these things. Somedays I don’t want to leave the house. I love shopping but I hate the mall because you walk by fifty people and chances are I’m gonna get one person that makes a comment like ” Wow look at her, she’s big”. I ignore it for the most part because I can’t let those people get to me, they don’t know me but it’s difficult to deal with alone. Nobody can see what I see, the looks,stares and comments.I control the outcome in my mind and in my heart. I’m emotional that’s part of my journey. We are human, We Laugh until our bodies hurt and somedays we cry so hard that our heart feel like it’s falling to our stomach. We feel with every part of our body and mind. That’s OK! BE YOURSELF. CRY AND LAUGH AND FEEL! Be YOU! 

Quarter Life Crisis

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I celebrated my birthday a few weeks ago and I’d mentioned to a few people that I’m “getting old” which usually followed with a few giggles from the 40 and 50 somethings that I work with. But really, I feel like turning 25 you hit this like crazy realization! You’re half of 50 already! Yes, age is just a number but I feel like your mid-20’s is your time to get yourself together. Graduate from college or figure out what you wanna do with your life. Move out of your house if you haven’t already and get some independence. I’m turning 25 next year and I think I’m finally starting to get my life together. It’s so stressful and really scary to think about it and feel like I’m so late in the game because I didn’t know what I wanted to do after graduating from high school. I’m grateful for parents who were really patient with me and tried to understand what I went through. For people going through that quarter life crisis, we will get through this! This is just the beginning! 

(Sorry I’ve been missing lately, I promise to post more! It’s been crazy with Finals week and birthdays and mothers day  and memorial day! Hope everyone had a beautiful Month of May) 

Attraction

Attraction

I was listening to someone today saying ” I don’t want to date a fat girl, it will lower my standards” which to me made no sense. I understand that people are attracted to certain things, thats just how it works. Most males however are attracted to the skinny women and dating a big girl will make you look “bad”. Is that because the world and people around you have told you that skinny is beautiful or because you think that? I suppose if we are really going to get into it than maybe men are more attracted to a skinny woman because they are healthier (most of the time) and can bare children, blah blah blah. I’m gonna stop blundering now and get to the point. Not one type of body is more beautiful than the other. HAVE YOUR OWN BRAIN. Who cares about if your “status” will go down? If you like someone than go for it. This goes for girls to, stop being superficial and looking for a buff guy with nice eyes. Don’t do what the world around says to do, do what you want and if at the end of the day if you want a skinny girl than thats fine!!! But do it because that’s what you want not because your best friend will rag on you! AND Please stop saying that dating a fat girl will lower your status! Acting that way will lower your status.

My Birthday Wish

Smoke and extinguished the candle wax on a black background

In in a few minutes I’m gonna be 24 years old and every Birthday I know one thing and it’s that I’ve fought to get here. Just like everyone else, I take it day by day and I do my best to take that first breath each morning. I know a lot of people that I love truly struggling right now whether it be literally fighting for their life, having a sick loved one or even just a hard time with life right now. I feel like a lot of good people get the worst out of life sometimes when they don’t deserve it. That gives me a heavy heart because I wish I could help them. I wish I could heal their hearts and their pain. My Birthday wish that you wake up everyday fighting and don’t forget why your doing it. Do it with a smile on your face and happiness in your heart. Do it because you want to. 

” At the end of the day, Lord I pray I have a life that’s good. Two arms around me, heaven to ground me and Family that always calls me home” – (A Life That’s Good)

Choice

Choice

The lightning hit the glass today.
I just watched.
I watched as it moved around me.
Destroying everything in its path.
My eyes closed just enough to make me think I was safe.
There was no noise,no thunder or crashing.
Is this what death sounds like?
Nothing at all.
I feel a small brush against my leg.
Am I brave enough to open my eyes?
Was that slight brush the beginning of my death?
My eyes open with that one small stroke of courage I have in me.
I look out to see nothing at all, even the lightning has stopped.
I look down next to my leg, to see one small glimpse of life.
A tiny tulip that hasn’t bloomed, It’s eyes closed to the world.
When that colorful tulip opens, it only has one choice.
To live between the death in front of it.
It may be scared but in the end it will be as beautiful as ever.

If I could tell you one thing

If I could tell you one thing, it’d be to work hard. Work really hard so you have a good future. Every parent tells their child this because they want whats best for them. You want them to have what you didn’t have and to have a sense of accomplishment. I agree completely. But tell me, Is that really gonna matter? Is it gonna matter when I’m 80 years old married to my husband for 50+ years that I graduated and got a diploma? Yes, I’ll make more money and have a better job and be successful. But is it really going to matter? Be accomplished in more things than getting your diploma. Work hard, but work for other things than for money. Work for your marriage and work to make the world a better place. Work for things that when you’re 80 years old staring into the eyes of the man you love, you both smile. Make your life matter. 

G R A N T E D

G R A N T E D

Do you smile when you dropped that glass of water on the ground?
Do you smile when your car ran out of gas on the highway?
Do you smile when your in bed at night freezing even with two blankets?
Do you?
Did you cry while clenching onto that gun while your family slept,so they would be safe?
Did you cry when your brother died because the water was so filthy that it was poison?
Did you cry at night when you were taken, never to be seen again?
Did you?